Nick: DF
Born: Jan 18th (Capricorn, Earth Snake, Goose)
Preference: Straight (Approves of Gay Rights)
Fav. Color: Sea Green
Fav. Flower: Tiger Lily
Fav. Song: Sweet Dreams (Either versions by Annie Lennox or Marilyn Manson)

Those That I am Watching:

I consider you to be my hand pick best artists on this site. Now that may not mean much or it may mean a lot, either way, I consider you one of the best artists on the site. I do remove people for inactivity or if I feel that I no longer wish to have you in my list.

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5th Season, Sailor Moon = Golden

Yes, I am an anime and manga freak. :) I think I've watched over 100 + Different series of Anime and Read at least 50 different kinds. xD






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Please Click! Help Them Grow!

Journal Creation - 3:51PM @ Eastern Time Zone

DF's bitchy attitude continues. Today (June 16th) I decided to call out [tatsuyoujo] on the fact that some of her lickits are relatively the same as mine. Case example:

My "Avid Roleplayer" vs. her "Open Roleplayer" lickit

But I pretty much ignored that, why? There is a clear difference. One being someone who roleplays a lot and someone who is will to roleplay with you if you ask. No issue there, right? Besides what is one lickit being based off of another. Who cares, right?

Well I made two lickits: "I welcome you to Sa.n" and "Active Welcomer" easy enough to see that there is a difference between the two right? I had originally made the "I welcome you to Sa.n" to be used in the comment boxes as a way of having something "extra special" to greet someone. Hind sight, it would have made it seem sort of clichéd and would have been over used. So I'm glad that you can't use it now. : )

But then [tatsuyoujo] made a lickit that said "Welcome to Sa.n." Wait...what? Confused as I was? I wasn't going to make a really big issue about it. I even stated so in the chat and that I would just do it for the e-drama of it. Because today I'm feeling really anal about it. To be honest, I like tatsyoujo's lickit. Why? Because it's got stars and crap in the background and is about five times better than my two shitty lickits. But the whole reason I decided to call out [tatsuyoujo] is because she commented on my "I welcome you to Sa.n" lickit. Her lickit is my lickit minus you and I. That annoyed me to say the least.

Generally I don't have too much of an issue with [tatsuyoujo]. I have an opinion based on what she draws and posts, but I don't have an opinion of her as a person. So I don't know if what she was doing was mimicking me because she likes me-which is totally possible and I'm just such an asshat to not even notice. I know that in one of her journals she had put me up as one of the people that regularly visit the site. That’s true enough, lol. I’m on all the damn time. I think I’ve found more errors than the casual user. Speaking of which, I probably should let Patty know that there is an error in the browsing the lickits because it doesn’t have the “next” button clickable...

I think I’m taking my boredom and frustration about having to wait around to get to college on [tatsuyoujo]. I was just looking for someone to pick on, and I found one. Like usual, you can always find something if you look for it. It’s not that hard. I still think that [tatsuyoujo] should find her OWN ideas for lickits and for the most part she has. But that just rubbed me the wrong way. You don’t comment on something on January 19th and then five months later post something that’s nearly the exact same thing. Does that make sense to anyone else? Just because it’s not in the recent files of Sa.n doesn’t mean it ceases to exist.

Anyway, so I came to the realization that I was being a big bitch. Where the hell did this ego come from? I’ve never really been this bitchy in the last year... I was more like this at FAC when I was a moderator. Hmmm, what exactly has given me this ego? I’ve been trying to figure it out. I think it’s because I spell (most of the time) everything correctly and don’t use the interwebs lingo like 4evar, w/e, 2nite, gr8, etc. Other than that, I really don’t see where I’m catching all this ego from...

But why am I being a bitch. Easy enough to answer...

1) I hate my job. I should have thought about this more before I decided to agree to being an essay. Basically I was promised that I wouldn’t get bored and that they needed someone who could do things “quickly.” Since I’ve started, I’ve made several errors on my work… wait… I’ve forgotten to explain what I do. I work at Cracker Barrel. I set up the trays when they come from the cooks on the Grill Line. I make sure that everything’s there and put things like butter for the pancakes and put the cold dishes (like coleslaw and applesauce) on the tray and send them out. Basically all I have to know is what the food is supposed to get and how to read English. Now I’ve only had half of a menu class, but eh, it’s not too hard to look at the pictures above the window. I jumped the gun on a few CFC tickets and put white gravy on them when the ticket asked for the gravy on the side. Now granted the ticket is supposed to say “NO GRAVY ON MEAT” but I could have still read down far enough to see that was what the people wanted. The server hated me after that too. Oh yay. At least the table accepted the dishes. Then the other one was the ticket said that it was “FRNTST PH” which is peach toppings on French toast. I didn’t remember that French toast can get toppings, it’s so rare that I get something like that or at least in the small time that I have been working there it’s rare. Well the server bitched at me for it, servers are supposed to check behind the essay to make sure that everything is on the ticket and that everything is right. I’m still learning how to do everything and what goes with what. But still, I’m so fucking tired of the job. I’ve only been working maybe 12 -16 hours a week.

Though nine hour shifts fucking suck ass. But I am already tired of it. I don’t want to work. Originally I wanted to work because I needed the money for college. Now I have a plan that I’m going to try to work out with my bank to see if I can get a deferred loan so that I won’t have to empty out my bank account in one year. So now I’m disenchanted with the idea of having to work the entire summer for money. Besides which, I don’t even like what I’m doing. I think I’d rather clean all fucking night in the damn store, than have to fucking deal with people. (Because that’s what time the night crew comes through) I’m just too brain orientated to be lumbered down with all the stupid stuff I have to do. There isn’t anything brain orientated in putting coleslaw in a “fruit dish” and putting it on a liner. I even told the guy who was hiring me that if I got bored, I’d clean. At the gas station I’d work maybe four or five (or more) a night or whatever, and I’d have all my shit done within a hour and a half. So I’d clean because I was bored. But granted no one else fucking cleaned that store so it was always looking shitty. Then the “co-workers” got used to me doing everything and didn’t want to do it when it was their turn to do it.

So now I’m in this job that I thought was going to keep me “entertained” and all it does is hurt my heels and lower back. It makes me want to go to college even more. Do you know what I did? I freaking counted down the days until college move in day. 64 days. 64 fucking days. What the fuck am I going to do for 64 days?

I think I want a job that pays me to keep my brain numbed. So that it’s not paying any attention to what day it is or what I’m doing. I don’t mind down hard work, but I hate standing in one place. And that’s what I’m doing right now. I think I’ll be sharing this with the managers when it comes time for my evaluation. I would prefer to clean the store than to help prepare the food in the window. And that’s what they need, I don’t think they need another store cleaner. Isn’t that sad? It’s not a stressful job, it just doesn’t make my brain numb enough. Seriously, I have staring competitions with the fucking digital clock that sits right above the window. I lose all the time.

2) I’m a little pissed at my boyfriend. Why? Well, simply put he doesn’t like to believe me when I say something. Like for example, if I said that I’m not good at drawing, he thinks that I’m fishing for compliments and then follows what I say after I show him some of my picture “You’re good. You’re better than Ang (our mutual friend).” Now, granted Ang can’t draw humans worth a crap, but she makes the most beautiful still lifes. She’s a really good painter and I think if she had the right environment would do very well in the art world. So that’s not really a compliment in a way, but anyway, the point is that I’m actually very bad at drawing. Especially compared to some of the -real- artists on here. I don’t devote myself to my art. I don’t kill myself because I have an art block. I just go do something else. Every once in a while, I’ll try drawing, but if the sketches suck I’ll go back to whatever it was that I was doing until the sketches stop sucking. I’m very limited in my imagination when it comes to drawing. I can see all sort of creative images in my brain, but my hand can’t translate it down.

So let’s back up a little, when I was 13 actually maybe a little younger than that. I don’t exactly remember when I started, but I know it was a really young age. I had this idea that I was going to be a really famous author and that I would be one of those crazy young kids who could write like there is no tomorrow. I had already written three or four books (though they weren’t very long at all) but they really didn’t have a point and I did some retarded ass shit. Like burying one book in my garden because I thought I could dig it up later. I even tried, because I wondered if it was still there. I couldn’t even find a trace of it.


Ok, so anyway, I started it when I was about 13. Then I finished it when I was 15. I didn’t even know how it was going to end. I just kept writing. So, I immediately edited and my illusion about my writing skills was destroyed. I started roleplaying when I was about 9 and I’ve been roleplaying for near a decade (is that cool to say… 8D ). So from my experience as being an elitist (at twelve) I thought I was going to be a really good author. Well, like I said, I started editing it. And I was like damn, I am totally fucked up. It wasn’t good, basically a bunch of very random events strung together due to a common character. Well, I told this to my b/f one morning (because we had talked all night) on my front porch about that ideal that I had, and how I had thought I was going to get published and blah blah blah. Basically he perks up and says “Do you want it published?” All eager at this idea that Hey, my girlfriend can write. Awesome. I told him no. Then I explained to him that it was a really bad book, but he wasn’t listening to me when I said it because again he thinks I’m fishing for compliments or that I’m being modest. I don’t get it. I say what I mean and in all honest. Which is probably why I have such a hard time in arguments because I type the first thing that comes to my mind.

So then the next night, I give him my about 150 page (maybe less) double spaced book. It’s got all sorts of grammar and incorrect words (but spelled right, thanks MircoWord). He flips through it and we make fun of a few pages. Then he’s like “Do you regret giving this to me?” and I tell him No, because I wanted him to see that it wasn’t a good book. Basically what he said he was going to do was share it with a few of his company men and that there were going to be quotes coming out of it. I didn’t really believe it. But hey, whatever. Well he goes to he’s second training camp. So I call him and ask him how it was. He tells me that he’s been sharing it with everyone, and basically he’s been telling them that I “wrote” the book. Like I just finished writing it. I’m like, wtf, I was 13 when I started it. I haven’t even looked at it for over three years. Apparently I seem very fucking retard to these people, because one stated so. And My B/F kind of laughed it off, but it really hurts when someone I don’t even know calls me a retard based on a small piece of my  13 year old imagination because my b/f can’t fucking tell the whole story. Hell, there’s things that his parents have stated about me, and he doesn’t want to tell me that either. But I tell him what my parents think about him. I don’t understand.

Then he refuses to tell me what all of the phrases/quotes that his company has been using from my book. I don’t get what’s so comical about using something out of my book if it’s “retarded.” It’s a little heartless. You don’t let everyone in your company read a book that your girlfriend has written after you’ve been told it’s a piece of shit. That’s just setting up your girlfriend for embarrassment. And I told him that now I refuse to meet any of the people in his company. But he thinks I’m fucking joking. But thinking about it now, he’d probably drive up to the fucking recruiting agency (where they hang out… idiots) and force me to meet them. Because that’s just how he is. He thinks I’m joking when I say something or he doesn’t take what I’m saying seriously. I think it’s because he had been having sex with this stupid bimbos and he didn’t have to think that hard because he was always the “smarter” one in the relationship. Now that the tables have been turned I don’t think he knows what to do. And I’m actually really proud to admit that I’m still a virgin. : ) I think he’s trying to make up for the lack of equality of our brains by making everything I say a joke.

To be honest, I don’t know how to handle this relationship. Why? This is the first real relationship that I’ve ever been in. I never really had a “relationship” with all the past boyfriends (and definitely not with the dates that I’ve been on). Hell I have more of a relationship with all the people I meet online than with all of the other boys I’ve ever “gone out with.” And even now I feel like the interwebs is my friend and that’s just not true. I’m pretty sure that eventually I’ll find myself on ED because I like being stupid online. Stupid and vapid, racist, ignorant, asshat, any other number of fucking thing. Because then I don’t have to admit that I don’t really know what my “true” self is.

3) My "true" self

That doesn’t exist anymore. :/ How the fuck did I loose my sense of self. I don’t even believe I’m talking anymore when I say some things. Like I find myself talking but I don’t know how I got started in the first place. College is going to be my identity finding self. I can tell you on some political topics why I feel a certain way. My opinion on a million and one issues. But it just feels like that’s only a small freaking glimpse of it. I’ve only got a small glimmer of what/who I am as a person. I don’t understand why I feel sadden by the homeless, but hate people on wellfare. Are they not all suffering? Why I care more about starving kids in Africa more than my own parents. I don’t get it. What do I truly believe? I’ve been told and retold and corrected and resurrected that I’m not sure of anything I know. Hell I’ve suddenly started not being able to talk correctly. Like in the middle of words I forget how to even say the word. Is that normal? Am I going through some sort of psychotic phase? I’m tired of wearing the same fucking mask every day. You know what, I found myself wearing the same persona at work that I used at school. Am I that afraid of people’s opinions? I mean hell, I get hurt when I’m called a retard by someone I’ve never seen before.

4) The continuing parental bullshit.

Now it’s like my dad and mom like to talk shit about each other when the other isn’t in the area to me. Every time it’s something about the other person. Never critizing what they do. Never talking about trying correct themselves.


Then after a while I do something wrong, so I’m in trouble with the both of them. :/ I don’t understand.

So yeah I think I was just looking for a victim. I found one. I like being a bitch when I feel like shit. Even though I don’t feel like shit. You get what I mean?

Journal Finished - 4:55PM
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Awarded at May 29, 2008 to "moonchild" by laraswift Browse stars

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